Robodad

Survival Skills 6-June 2010 10:23 PM

Posted by robodad in humor.
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We westerners tend to live comfortable lives, isolated from the rigors of nature that our ancestors experienced. In this blog entry, I will share with you, dear reader, a recent brush I had with death at the hands of an untamed wilderness, and the lessons I learned.

During a recent nature expedition to Vancouver island, a travel buddy and I brought ourselves to the brink of disaster. And yet somehow, after a harrowing ordeal, we managed to scrabble and claw our way back to civilization, and eventually, sanity.

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Preparation

Before entering the wilderness, preparation is very important. If you begin your journey properly hydrated, well fed and fattened, you won’t have to dig into your pack right away to stuff your fat face with the gummy bears you were supposed to be rationing.

Here are my travel buddies and myself, preparing ourselves for the journey ahead at an old tavern in Philladelphia on the way to Vancouver island:

I can’t stress the importance of this step enough. Really.

 

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Travel Wisely

It is prudent to travel to the expedition site in a comfortable, yet efficient manner. After all, one wouldn’t want to waste all of one’s energy just getting there, right?

No need to swim across the channel! Take the ferry!

Here is a photo of me taking the ferry. Yes, it looks like there is choo choo steam coming out of the ship behind me, and it looks kind of like the ship is coming out of my head. You will just have to trust me when I say that none of that stuff is true.

And, for comfort, rent the biggest damn car on the lot. No, you won’t be able to park in most parking spaces, but who cares? Those leather seats and extra space for luggage could save your life one day

 

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Enjoy Nature’s Beauty

 

Despite the dangers and life threatening peril, Nature can be spectactularly beautiful. Just because there are grizzly bears behind you and poisonous spiders hiding in every place you might even think about putting your hand, there is no reason you should not enjoy the beauty of a flowing stream that has cut its way through granite over the course of the millenia, under the silent watch of the timeless trees, as shown in the photograph here:

Below, you can see my travelling companion Cale standing in front of an old growth tree. Actually, the tree was not very big. Cale is just very very small. And he is acting like a goof, as usual.

 

By contrast, here I am, quite sensibly trying to make tree babies:

 

Eventually, the tongue stuff started happening, and Cale had to stop the filming, lest we offend.

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Be Alert. The World Needs More Lerts.

You should always be wary when in the wild. At times, it will appear that nature wants to kill you. In this case, for instance, we were walking along when an old tree, probably filled with a Stephen King-like evil spirit, fell onto me. Luckily, I was able to hold it up with one hand while Cale took a photo. Then, we switched.

Here, you can see that I am much stronger than Cale, as he is obviously exerting himself and, by contrast, I am barely noticing that I am holding up a tree. In fact, I think I was saying: “Oh, is there a tree there that I am holding up? I completely forgot, on account of my Herculean strength!” On the other hand, Cale looks as if he was saying “Errrrnnngh.” I probably thought something like: Don’t worry, Cale, if you die, I will take good care of your nice phone, with resistive touch screen and 5 MP camera.

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Always Obey Posted Warnings

The forestry services have your best interests in mind. However, for the life of me, I cannot imagine why they would have put up this sign:

 

However, being good citizens, we obeyed, as everyone should (unless it looks like a lot of fun, or you don’t actually see any bears where the sign says there are definitely bears).

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Obtaining Nourishment From The Land

What the Earth gives, we can pretty much take, no questions asked. Thirsty? Try some water from the murky puddle. Have to pee? I think I see a murky puddle up ahead.

Hungry? Here is a fern. I think I heard somewhere that people can eat ferns.

 

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Research

At this point, I’d like to point out that a little research before you enter the wilderness couldn’t hurt. Especially if you would like to avoid putting poisonous ferns into your mouth.

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Shelter

The importance of finding shelter cannot be over emphasized. While other animals have their pelts, shells, and exoskeletons to protect them, humans must cover themselves only with their wits. And sometimes clothes, where required by law. And shelter helps, too.

Here I am, happily warming myself in what is probably a bear den.

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Swimming

Swimming can be a great way to relax and take your shirt off for the adoring female viewers. If you are Bear Freakin’ Grylls. For the rest of us, it is permissable (strongly suggested, even) that we keep our clothes on while we enjoy the timeless splendor of the water.

 

Also, diving!

 

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Conclusion
 

In conclusion, I have pretty much decided that Nature is a bitch. Don’t ever go there.

 

Here you see me at the conclusion of my ordeal, barely alive.

Why isn’t Cale shown here? Sadly, he didn’t make it. He was attacked by wild tourists.